Noun
noun: phobia; plural noun: phobias
an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.
"he had a phobia about being under water"
synonyms: fear, irrational fear, obsessive fear, dread, horror, terror, hatred, loathing, detestation, aversion, antipathy, revulsion; complex, neurosis; informalthing, hang-up
"fear of spiders is just one of his many phobias"
I put in bold the one's that I relate to the best. Irrational fear. I, unlike the majority of agoraphobics, have a fear that I will have to hurt someone and will end up in jail or being sued because I fucked someone up physically. I get anxious that someone will say and or do something to someone I love or even me and I will have to hurt them or maybe, worst case, kill them. I can think about it and actually get melancholy about having to hire a lawyer, pay bail, get processed and all of it.
The actual being outdoors does not bother me. People bother me. When I see those videos of racists going off and yelling about Trump and berating Latino's for having the audacity to exist in this nation it all at once infuriates me and then it throws me into a panic. I know it is irrational but for some reason I am the one that most assholes want to test. I am perceived as being an alpha and in order to get my illusion spot I must be taken down. I worked at Girl Scouts with this bitch named Priscilla and she used me as a scapegoat and would often berate and emasculate me as often as she could. She didn't like men and I am 100% male. I don't have a feminine bone in my body, I think like a man and act that way and she couldn't stand it. I kick myself in the ass because I let, I allowed, my depression to get so out of control that it affected my work, my work rate, the way I perceived my job and everything and I handed this bitch the excuse to fire me on a silver platter. It was not until I was fired that I sought out help and ended up in therapy where I was officially diagnosed. I have paperwork that proves I am crazy so that should relieve all doubt.
Depression to me is like dying very slowly. I am clinically depressed. Right now. I really am and it is all encompassing. I'm not sad. Sad would be a fucking improvement. I have the real deal where it just takes over. I have also found that depression is so misunderstood as to be a farce of itself. Feeling sad is something that you know will eventually go away and you will bounce back. But what if you don’t bounce back? What if your feelings of sadness linger, are excessive, or interfere with your work, sleep, or recreation? What if you’re feeling fatigue or worthlessness, or experiencing weight changes along with your sadness? That is major depression.
Also known as clinical depression, major depressive disorder, or unipolar depression, major depression is a medical condition that goes beyond life’s ordinary ups and downs. Almost 18.8 million American adults experience depression each year, and women are nearly twice as likely as men to develop major depression. People with depression cannot simply “pull themselves together” and get better. Treatment with counseling, medication, or both is key to recovery. I am trying and God knows I feel like surrendering and giving up but I have made a promise to my wife and my kola to not do anything stupid.
Here are the signs:
- Depressed mood, sadness, or an “empty” feeling, or appearing sad or tearful to others
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you once enjoyed
- Significant weight loss when not dieting, or significant weight gain (for example, more than 5% of body weight in a month)
- Inability to sleep or excessive sleeping
- Restlessness or irritation (irritable mood may be a symptom in children or adolescents too), or feelings of “dragging”
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Feelings of worthlessness, or excessive or inappropriate guilt
- Difficulty thinking or concentrating, or indecisiveness
- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or specific plan for committing suicide
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