Adventures in douchebaggery (Story #1)

     The Chinese Buffet Incident

     Full disclosure. I am not a Christian. I am not baptized, I am not a fan of any of the sons of Abraham and I am on the fence as to wether or not Jesus even existed. I know all about how the "disciples" did not write any of the books of the bible and they were written over 30 years after Jesus 'death' and yadda yadda bing. ALL that stuff. I write that because it is important to the story I am going to tell.

     My wife had gone away for work and was going to be gone for a week. I can cook, I can cook better than my wife, this is something she will tell you, and I do cook unless I feel like being lazy. There is a new Chinese buffet in Jackson and it has a hibachi grill which for Jackson is something new. Being a fan of Mongolian BBQ I was excited to go to this place and see what was up. 

     I walked in and it was a nice looking place, but then again it was also new. Typical Red, Black and Gold gaudy ass decorations. There are the fat Buddha's and Chinese lettering all over the walls. Big tables in the middle and booths on both sides of the wall. The place is busy but not overly busy. First thing that happened was the millennial who sat me down asked if I qualified for the senior citizen discount. I was stunned! I looked at her and told her while I was old enough to be her father I was not that fucking old and to go get my waitress. Her mouth dropped open and she scampered away to soon be replaced by a young Chinese woman with a very thick accent that I am not sure was even real. I felt like she was faking it. I have no proof but I was not convinced that she had that thick of an accent. She explained how to use the hibachi, same as Mongolian BBQ, and that drinks had free refills.

     At the front table, which was next to me in the booth, sat a man, a woman and 9 kids, NINE kids. I had a feeling that they were maybe adopted or foster because two were Black, one was Latino and the rest were White like the parents. There were three red headed stepchildren and a couple of blondes. They were not rowdy except for this one White boy who was wearing a Mario Bros t-shirt which made me think that his mother wasn't even born when that game came out which then made me think 

     Did you know Purple Rain was released 33 years ago? Feel old yet? Maybe I do qualify for that discount.

     Mario shirt was a rowdy lil fuck. He kept antagonizing this dark haired girl who sat across from him. He calling her fat, he called her ugly and said that she smelled like a salad bar. I thought that was actually funny but it wasn't funny to say to a girl. Mario Shirt kept turning his head after each insult to see if someone was watching and when he wasn't doing that he was mocking the father behind his back mimicking him talking until he got caught by the mother and told to "settle down". He was constantly talking and moving around like a puppy with worms. The Father Figure (F.F.)   clinked his glass and told everyone to "be still, bow your heads and I will lead you all in prayer" Eight kids did as told and Mario shirt mockingly put his hands together and looked up at the ceiling and then bowed his head. The father took notice and said, "settle down" and then he closed his eyes and bowed his head. 

     Now, just because I am not a fan of Hebrew fairy tales does not mean I do not respect those who do. I am a man who does pray and so when other people pray I respect that. While the father was praying and just as he got to the part where he was thanking God for allowing the family to come to a restaurant to eat when Mario Shirt loudly yells "OWIEEEEE" which is a fake "ouch" by the way he said it with a shit eating grin sliced across his face. F.F. stopped, opened his eye's and turned his head towards Mario Shirt. "Are you serious right now?" he asked incredulous with shock. Mario Shirt pointed to his nose and said something about bumping it earlier or some weak shit. I made a "humph" noise and shook my head. F.F. looked my way and said, "Sorry sir, Todd (or James, or Mike or some equally obnoxiously common name) forgets himself."

     Let me digress for a second here. I like kids. Most. A Lor No, that's not right either, I like some kids.  I know a few kids that I can tolerate pretty well. (I gotta stay honest). Kids are not like they were when I was growing up. Kids now just couldn't give a fuk. They don't respect shit. They go to people's weddings and funerals dressed in tank tops and jean shorts. They have no idea of history or current events. They are fed a constant diet of "Everyone is the same! There are no winners or losers! Here! Take this PARTICIPATION TROPHY and know in your heart that you can be and do anything!" Having been on the Earth for over 47 years (Birthday is October 26th) I can tell you that the above is capricious bullshit! Those are just a few reasons I can't stand these shitty kids and equally shitty parents, so when I have my chance to be a douche-bag and maybe get a kid in trouble I say fuck it and go for it. I admit it is some douche-bag behavior on my part but check the title of this blog. I am aware. You could say I am "woke"..........

     I turned to F.F. and put my napkin to my mouth, closed my eyes and shook my head. I let out a long slow breath and looked as woefully as I could at F.F. and said with my voice all at once, hushed and cracking, "I'm sorry sir" I started thinking how full of shit I am sometimes and continued, "It's just when I think of how I have been washed in the blood of Jesus and forgiven for all of my satanic sins and lewd behavior and has given me peace and for someone to interrupt another person addressing the messiah and lord and savior of so many in a disrespectful manner it doesn't make me angry like I used to get at everything, no I have been relieved of that, it makes me sad to think that anyone who is obviously raised in the way of the lord to be just.....just......maybe...." Then I turned my head. F.F. apologized and then informed Mario shirt that he cannot have desert tonight and for the next three nights. 

     I smiled and felt a enormous sense of satisfaction that the little shit Mario Shirt would be going without desert as the daughter could eat cake right in front of his A.D.D. ass as he watches in jealously.

     Fuck these spoiled shits.