GSHOM - Nightmare fuel for any real men

I am just tired of being and making myself small. From dropping my natural bass voice, from shrinking to look small, from toning down how I dress to the language I use. I worked for the Girl Scouts for 13 years and one day when I got fired.
I got fired because of numerous reasons but the main one is that I had the audacity to be unaccommodating to White people.I stopped taking shit from the 99% White women in that organization who felt the freedom to speak and do to me anything they felt like. Priscilla, who in my opinion is perhaps one of the dumbest people, not women, people I have ever met let alone been forced to work for.
I get along with damn near everyone, the White men who worked there I never had a problem with but the White women? All damn day. One would take extra long lunches without a word said. If I were 10 minutes late it would take a half hour "talking to" about not being responsible to only take an hour. One woman would cry at least three times a day. That makes for a great environment but if I had the audacity to tell her to stop that shit, take it to a therapist or quit then I was the bad guy. One White woman came to my desk, raised her right hand and said, "How". I called her out for being a bigot but somehow ended up being the bad guy. Mind you each and every one of the buffalo I was working with, and I call them buffalo because even though I am six foot even and run 280 lbs I was one of the smaller people in the office, I was the bad guy. They rallied around one another when I would get tired of their shit and call them out. They would then run to Priscilla so shoe could work out her sick sexual impulse and put me down. She did this because her husband was a pear shaped, bearded shlub who had no job or job prospects. She hated me and I was her easy target.
If I had a complaint about the bullshit Priscilla had the amazing ability to turn it around onto me. Somehow make whatever these women were doing was my fault. On a weekly basis you couldn't tell who's turn it was to be the pain in the ass. They would back bite, throw each other under the bus, pick on and alienate. They all took turns doing this to each other. I stayed out of it because I am a man, I'm not toxic, I'm not hyper-masculine I am an Original Man. I am a proud Latino/Native man and I show that. I am unabashed proud to be Brown, and proud to be in love and married with a White woman. I have no problem with White women, check my friend-list. I have a problem with idiots who have kissed ass and failed their way to top. I have a problem with Whites getting scared at the slightest sign of anything that does not value the life of Brown people.
I'm tired of shrinking to keep these snowflakes happy and make them feel safe. Look at the mass shootings and serial killers. They are afraid of the wrong people.
These were and are the most intellectually lazy people I have ever met. Brain dead morons who will meander thru life dumb as when they graduate high school. Example. We were assigned a book to read. Read one and a half pages a week and these lazy asses couldn't bring themselves to do it and try to run a book club where the bitches don't read. Girl scouts is for middle and upper middle class white girls to teach them to not be self-sufficient but to blame men and hate men. It's a money grab group that hustles card board tasting cookies and makes the mothers do all the work. The buffalo in charge of cookies would be gone when most deliveries were to be picked up leaving me and one other person to do her job while doing our own. Lazy isn't string enough to define her. Obese, stank and insecure to the point of pathology is her description. The CEO was a narcissist who liked ot brag about being a scientist, one who did not practice science, considered herself high class, a wine connoisseur and all around diva and modern woman who was nothing like that. She is and was a shit leader and a poor fundraiser who alienated everyone who could have been helpful. Within two years she lost over 80% of the staff that was originally part of Michigan. All the young and energetic people left leaving Girl Scouts to be run by old White women from the Eisenhower era without a clue about what today's society is like. I've seen more than one cry about having to try to navigate Facebook.
It's a nightmare I am glad is over. I hope all of them get every single thing they have ever desired,















%

MIxed and sincere

I read a post that a friend of mine, who is part Native write about being treated shitty by both sides of his family. I know a woman who is half Guatemalan half White who wrote a heartbreaking post about how people in the Latino community ignore her or even worse have the damned audacity to treat her like an outsider and leave her ignored or alone often. She has since stopped going to gatherings for Latin people. She told me, and I believe her, that our sisters and brothers treat Whites better. Of course they do. One of the reasons is Whites have money and cash rules.
I would like those who are of mixed ancestry that I see you. I can see you trying to learn our culture even though you didn't get raised in it. It must seem so foreign and yet you continue. I know you were not raised among us but you have a real passion to work for us to find a place in our community and you feel a responsibility towards us even though we, some of us, treat you like crap.
I know the frustration of having Native features, facial structure, jaw structure even body type and sometimes dark skin but you don't have a pedigree card and that pushes you away. Having White skin but knowing our culture but being ignored by those of us with brown skin because you have White skin or even worse Black skin!
I know you have no connection to your ancestral lands but you have the knowledge and the freedom, fought for so much, to pray like you live right there. You might be helpless to survive in the wilderness but you have a job, a house and a family you take are of the warrior class. I see you out and about. I see you at gatherings sitting and watching the dancers and listening to the drums. Feeling the same thing I feel. I see you and I notice how you try to be respectful.
Creator will pay you for your patience and your ability to put up with the bullshit of others. Remember this, Not every brother is a brother. It was Black men that murdered Maclom X and it was Native men who killed Ana Mae Aquash.
You're noticed.

This is not what I wanted

LOVE ME 100%

“I am of the opinion that if you do not love 100 percent of who I am, off you fucking fuck.

That’s not arrogance. That’s not narcissism.

That’s the way every single person in this room should feel about themselves. Because if you do not love 100 percent of who I am, you do not love me. You love an idea of me which you have falsely fabricated in your head, and it is not my fault if I do not live up to those expectations. 

You have to love the good with the shit…

You have to love 100 percent of me, because that’s what makes me me.

If you don’t love 100 percent of who I am, there are 7.5 billion people on this planet; go out and find one of them, see if you love 100 percent of them…

- Daniel Sloss

Sloss is a Scottish comedian but when I heard these words I didn't find them funny. I found them profound. I found them hurtful because I have had people tell me they love me yet I am alone.
I'm married, almost 15 years and we love each other but there are some conditions involved. I really have to watch my behavior because the wife has broken up with me before because of depressive episodes.
A man whom I thought was as closer to me than a brother does not confide in me, does not include me and honestly our conversations, not all, are often pablum to fill time.
Depression is so devastating because like diabetes it affects things in your life that are not seen. Those of us with this disease are masters of faking it and to be honest I have been faking it most of my life but there are times when I just don't have the strength to fake it and those are the days I remain quiet and try not to indulge in any conversation. I keep my trap shut and hold it all to myself.
Not the healthiest of options but I have two people who tell me they love me and they do. Provided I can deliver when they want something. This is not the life I thought I would have and it is not what I expected. What did I expect? I'm smiling because I can't say other than I didn't want this.
Maybe, just maybe I am the one who should love me 100%. Foibles and all. Mistakes, oddities, quirks, and everything. Out of seven and half billion people, I just might be the only one. After all. I am the only one I can trust, I am the only one who can achieve what I want when I set my mind to it.
This is not what I wanted, but it is what I have.

Tonglen

     I have had and have a broken heart. Not all of my broken hearts are by my design but by the actions of others of which I am well aware I have zero control over. Reminds me of a reading of Pema Chodron's that God helped me stumble across just a few days ago when a depressive episode was raging. I kept escape sleeping and during one of the few times, I was awake that day I came across it.

“There comes a time when the bubble of ego is popped and you can’t get the ground back for an extended period of time. Those times, when you absolutely cannot get it back together, are the most rich and powerful times in our lives.” ~ Pema Chodron

Deep huh? I thought so too. In the middle of feeling heartbroken, lost, confused, lonely and fearful beats the heart of sadness. Genuine sadness and not just the chemical imbalance kind but sadness that everyone who is not a sociopath can relate to.

It's a Buddhist teaching that the noble heart can be buried under a confluence of negative emotions for decades but once it is touched and allowed to be embraced and therefore shown to the world no matter how much we commit ourselves to unkindness, greed or selfishness it comes out unscathed by years of abuse the bodhicitta [wakeful human nature] cannot be lost. It is our real human nature and it is here within us our entire lives.

My kola always says the longest journey is the 12 inches from your head to your heart.

In my experience, we fool ourselves by trying to protect ourselves from suffering. We think it is being kind to ourselves. Regrettably, that is not the truth. Doing that makes us more fearful, more hardened and it alienates us even more. It makes us more alienated from each other. This thinking makes us believe in the separateness of God and others. We build a wall around us that we say is to keep us safe but it becomes a prison. Inside this prison, we are kept company by personal hopes and fears and to caring for only those that we choose to love. Fuck the strangers, we just focus on our 'peeps' and do not identify with others as being as human as we are. Having the same foibles and issues we have.

Like Pema points out, when we close ourselves off from others in order to not experience discomfort we suffer. Often suffering more than those we close ourselves off from. Here is where boundaries are important. Don't become a doormat where others, who don't know better or worse yet DO know better attempt to take advantage of our good nature.

The Dalai Lama describes two kinds of selfish people—the wise and the unwise. Unwise selfish people only think of themselves—and the result is confusion and pain. Wise selfish people know that the best thing they can do for themselves is to be there for others. As a result, they experience joy.

Damn what a lesson to learn. I seem to be the hardest headed dude in the known world because I only have learned these things the hard way. I remind myself on the daily that we are here to be of service we are not here to be served. So in my morning prayers, I ask God to make me of service to better do his will and be able to bear witness to his power and love. 

The instructions of Tonglen are unsurprisingly simple. I did not use the word easy I used the word simple. Two very different things. ( I have defineTonglen as a practice of making space. Opening the atmosphere of our lives so that people can be relaxed and free around us. None of this spooky shit of, "That (Medicine man, Shaman, Priest, Monk, etc can look right thru you." That creates unease and people choose to stay away from that person for fear of them seeing something that is embarrassing or something private that they are not willing to share at that moment. Plus it plays into the spookism of God so fuck that noise.) When we practice and remember Tonglen's instruction is a practice of creating space. When we encounter any form of suffering in others Tonglen's instruction is to breathe it in with a wish that everyone can be free from pain. Conversely, when we encounter happiness we breathe it out sending it out with a wish that everyone could fell such joy.

She further writes:

It is a practice that allows people to feel less burdened and less cramped, a practice that shows us how to love without conditions.) sending and receiving, is designed to awaken the bodhicitta. To put us in touch with a genuine noble heart. It is a practice of taking in pain and sending out pleasure, and therefore completely turns around our well-established habit of doing just the opposite.

We all need someone to encourage us to not belittle what we feel. To be unashamed of any love we feel and to be unafraid of pain as those two things can teach us the best lessons of ourselves.

"Nuff said.

What a miracle you are

     I have a niece who is pregnant and she has the cutest baby bump. Every pregnant woman has the cutest baby bump. Actual life is gestating in there and to my little mind that is so amazing and miraculous, it amazes me. I don't have any kids of my own but I am blessed beyond measure as to how many I am uncle to. The people who bless me by calling me uncle are the most fantastic, genius level individuals you could ever meet.
     Maybe you don't know this or maybe you have never taken the time to think about it. Everything about you – The color of your eyes and hair, height, shoe size, weight….all of that matter and scientific miracles – was at one time encoded into a small dot, too tiny for the human eye to see. One sperm, a single sperm out of hundreds and millions of sperm, made its way to an egg. With that action, your immortal soul in this tiny dot, the physical plane became manifest, immortal and splendor in form. Sit back and think of how powerful you are, how exorbitant, and attention blowing this life is? Now, …tell me again about your problems, simple rudimentary issues that are unworthy to be spoken by the voice of God. If that little dot carried the consciousness and coding for your physical self. Then it carried the power and limitlessness of your spiritual self. How are you gonna play small, mediocre, and afraid? If you did nothing for the rest of your life, you’ve already exhibited greatness, so I ask, why don’t you finish strong? Maybe I think of this because I am closer to the end than I am the beginning. Get grateful, embrace abundance, bring positive energy, it takes the simple changing of the mind to change your frequency. When YOU change your energy then the people and animals around you change theirs. I've seen it and so have you if you paused and paid attention.

How I can be a man of God.

WHO DECIDES HOW A MAN OF GOD ACTS?

     So the other day on Twitter I pointed out how Obama jailed Mexicans and South Americans at the border, put them in cages, took us from two wars to SEVEN, used the military for regime change in Lybia, bombed Syria so much the armed forces actually ran out of bombs, kicked people out of their homes and made Wall Street wealthier and gave in to Republicans on a single-payer option for healthcare. He set the precedent for everything Trump is doing. So she called me a shit head and a Nazi. I, in turn, pointed out how like your typical Liberal and Conservative when they can't refute your points with truth or logic they fall back on name calling. I told her I can do the same. I called her a nickel trick and a dumbass. 

     I pray every day. I talk about God as much as anyone wants to hear me. I have a deep personal faith in him to help me. That, however, does not make the fact that I will stick up for myself and I will continue to get in the grill of the right wing, the fascists, the hatemongers, and all others on the right and left who have policy ideas that are harmful to people.

     If you lie and someone and someone point it out then that is the risk you take for being a liar. If like Steven Crowder, you get pointed out for being a bigoted homophobe with video evidence and you lose your monetization on YouTube then that is the price you pay. If like Ben Shapiro you get confronted for your idiotic remarks with written proof you have a price to pay. If like Dave Rubin you present yourself as part of the Intellectual Dark Web, which is just a pack of rabid racist alt-right numbskulls using large words to justify their hatred of Muslims and immigrants, but you are in fact a bad political actor and in fact a very dumb person then there is a price to be paid. I can and will call you out and I will remain a man of God while doing so.

     I can call you a hypocrite for saying you support families while supporting Trump because while his foreign porn model bride was having his child he was having sex with Stormy Daniels a porn star and used campaign money to pay her to keep quiet. 

     Where do you get the authority to point out what is and is not the "Indian Way"? There is no consensus on what is "The Indian Way" trust me. I've been involved in the Indian community as a proud Indian who is an outsider by choice and know damn well there is not a consensus amongst Indians as to what "The Way" is. Besides, where do you, who think you speak for any group be they Indian, Latino, Muslim or whatever, get the moral authority to dictate how someone should act?
     Where do you get the audacity to tell someone how they should act? If the way that you follow dictates no violence and you support capital punishment then you're a hypocrite. If you call yourself a Christain and support capital punishment then you're a hypocrite. Your God was a victim of capital punishment so what makes you think he would support it? See, I don't have any belief in Jesus but I do believe no one has the right to take another person's life unless their life is in danger. Buddhists and Jainists are very anti-violence. In fact, some members of the Jain faith wear cloths over their face so they don't accidentally swallow a bug. That's them. Not me. They are no more "Godly" than I am. Neither is the Dali Lama and if you believe so I suggest you get a bigger God. I don't like violence and think it is just not a path towards peace I however and not a pacifist. Touch me or one of mine and I will try to take your jaw from your face. Still, a man of God and you don't get a say in whether I am or not.
     See my relationship with The Creator of all natural things is personal. It's not up for discussion or debate. It's not open to interpretation by anyone but me. It is something that for the past thirty-three years I have worked to refine. I ask others what they believe and I take some and apply it, meditation for example, and I shit can the majority of it, the 'miracles' of the bible for instance. My God and therefore MY BUSINESS. I like going to a ceremony but I don't have to go to a ceremony. That business I can take care of by getting quiet and seeking answers from my God as I understand him.
     Talk shit about Latino's, Blacks, homosexuals, the poor or the mentally disabled then expect me to get as rock bottom and ghetto as I can get. Still a man of God. If I think you suffer from 'Angry White Man Syndrome" I will point it out and I will use your own words against you. THAT is pretty Godly. Not sure if it's "The Indian Way" but it is this Indian's way.
     Learn to deal.
     'Nuff said.

What I meant to say

THE EULOGY I WISH I COULD HAVE GIVEN

I sadly had to go to the funeral of my oldest friends and a very important person in my life. I tried to speak at his funeral but just couldn't do it. I was too choked up. So, like it is always easier I will write out what I wanted to say.

     I met Tyrone the second day of kindergarten because that first day he and I were both very busy

crying because we wanted to go home. That second day we had a snack together and began a friendship that lasted until May 9th, 2019 but spiritually will last forever.

     We became friends so quickly because Tyrone had a very pronounced overbite and I was Brown with no specificity and was not a traditional Christian. We didn't or couldn't fit in anywhere. The Black kids always made jokes about Tyrone's looks, so we ignored everyone and just hung with each other. This was the 70's and we cut our hands and clasped them together as blood brothers. We rode the bus together and talked and joked. We ate lunch and joked. We had recess and joked. Weekends were spent watching cartoons and cracking jokes.

     Each year for 11 straight years we would walk together to the school door and hug and then wish each other good luck. All of my life's firsts we shared with each other.

     We had a friend whom we called "Chaka" who was right by our side until 1982 when he moved to Minneapolis. It then was just Tyrone and I. Two unpopular misfits who only truly fit with each other. 

     When I was in fourth grade this little punk ass White boy said something about my mother being a wetback and we made the plan to fight after class. We did fight, he started to get the best of me and piot pf nowhere came this big heavy Black fist BAM right upside that boy's head. He got knocked goofy from the punch and I punched him in his stomach and crotch. I never said I fought fair. 

     We both flunked a class at the same time because we were too busy cutting up to pay attention. He was there when I got my first girlfriend and subsequently my first of many heartbreaks. When he got his girlfriend pregnant and she had Tylisha I swear I never saw a man in such love. He adored that baby. Wore me out with that baby. "She can hold her head up", "She can roll over", "She can stand if she holds something", "She said her first word", "She makes full sentences" just got me tired of that baby. No offense of course but he went on and on about that baby more than he did about The Steelers or U of M football. For those that knew him this was quite a feat.

     He once told me he was going to be a deacon at his church. I told him if that preacher, Rev. Williams, ever asked me about him I said, "I'm not gonna lie to a preacher so you best hope he doesn't ask me because he will never let you back in the church unless you wearing sackcloth and ashes."

     He was diagnosed with cancer and didn't tell me until December of 2018 and when it metastasized to his lungs he never told me. I couldn't figure out why until I talked to his second mother/sister Mary and she said he didn't want pity and didn't want me to stress myself to an ulcer.

     He was suffering and knew he was going to die and was still watching my back. Still cared and was conscious of others. That was him. Simply a good, good man. A man that I love and will love until my day comes to go home. He touched too many people's lives and his life will echo into the future in a positive way. As long as I live I will love and miss my brother/friend.

Love is the REVOLUTION

We men are a funny lot. We have not learned how to speak in terms of our emotions. If the emotions are joking, anger, boisterousness, and excited. We can gather to watch the fight or the game and get as loud and obnoxious as we wish and it is acceptable. What happens when we express love? Shit gets uncomfortable. Most men will not go for it or accept it. It's a good way to be called a fag if you express love, compassion or empathy. These are looked at as weak and even feminine.
If you're an activist of some kind you can express love but it has to be presented in a tough manner which is actually the opposite of love. Love is gentle, compassionate and sympathetic. Love identifies with another person in an empathetic way. Not sympathy which is just a cursory identification of the issue but empathy is expressing that you know the feeling and can relate.
Love and all of its divine expressions are revolutionary. In today's highly divided society that is based in fear, love is the only antidote to fear. Faith takes the place of doubt. Love takes the place of fear.

Mood right now. Hurting

"When We're Dancing Close And Slow"

When we're dancing close and slow
I never want to let you go, no, no
I feel your warm embrace
The softness of your face
Tell me, baby, are we here alone?
When we're kissing long and hard
I can almost taste the thoughts within your mind
Sex-related fantasy is all that my mind can see
Baby, that's honestly the way I feel

When we're dancing close and slow
I'm not afraid to let my feelings show
I want to come inside of you
I want to hold you when we're through
Can't you feel my love touching you?

Depression is:

DEPRESSION IS:

I sat on the bench watching the waves. My doctor said this vacation I should spend near water so Lake Michigan here I come.

When you have depression nothing matters. You can’t bring you self to take a shower some days let alone interact with people. I hate people. They will let you down, they will turn on you, they will forget about you, they will treat you as an afterthought, they will lie and they will leave.

It’s kinda cold out so hardly anyone is on the beach or here on the pier. I am wearing a light zip up sweatshirt from EMU and as I look around I am under dressed but I don’t get hot like other people.

I flip my phone over and over in my hand and stop to look at her messenger response. It’s non-committal in it’s entirety and that makes me mad as in insane.

I sit and notice that it is kinda cold out here on the lake in late September. Wind is blowing my hair every which a way and I didn’t bring a hair tie of course. To the other people I must look crazy just sitting here and not moving, reading, drawing or anything.

I can do all those things but depression can and will rob you of the want to do anything.

I’m often asked if I am suicidal and the answer is no, I don’t want to kill myself I just don't want to be here anymore. Wonder if normal people feel that way? I compare being depressed as to having a broken heart and not knowing why. Everything looses it’s appeal. I watch television but it is just background. I sleep my days away as if I accumulate enough days asleep when I wake it will be a better day. The dreams I have of dying make me smile when I wake up.

Not good.

Stomach is angry because of the anxiety disorder and that makes me mad. I hate panic attacks. I pace and sweat and sometimes cry, only if asked a question or if I have to reply, I shake and my thoughts race. Sometimes they last an hour and I can throw anything at them and nothing will knock me out to make them stop.

I’m getting old and I don’t want too. I don’t want to be seventy and on my own, I don’t want to live in a care home where I will just do more of what I do on a daily basis. Watch TV and wait for a meal. I eat once a day and that is plenty.

The thing that pisses me off the most about having depression is the constant exhaustion. I’m just so fucking tired I can’t believe it. I suffer. I really do and I can’t talk about it because someone always has the bright fucking idea to “snap out of it”, “Pray more”, “Change you r thoughts”, “Meditate” or any number of stupid shit . People can be so unaware of a situation.

This woman once said to me, “Life is a buffet! Take what you want and if it’s not good, come back and get something else.” If life is a fucking buffet I’m on a hunger strike. I’m going hungry and have been.

Depression is suicidal thoughts running thru your head that you will never act on until it’s time to act. I saw a motivational video of a man who survived a jump from the golden gate bridge and to be honest I was not inspired at all.

Depression is not giving a fuck at all and knowing it is all a fruitless endeavor. All of it.

Hell is empty because the devils vote republican

Hell is empty and all the devils are here

I have a friend, God bless his little heart, he is a major component of compassion and peace. He works with gangs and homeless and the non-spoken members of society. He doesn’t believe in evil people. He thinks people are misguided. He thinks that they make choices based in either fear or love.

It’s a simple, New Age philosophy made to explain complex humans. It of course doesn’t take into consideration the complexity of human emotions, social life, economic circumstances and just plain old thought processes.

I believe in evil. I have seen it, participated in it and had it thrust on me. I’m not under the impression that a devil is like the biblical devil. Red with horns and a pitchfork or like that chick on the exorcist.

Republicans are the devil. Not collectively but individual devils. They are bad for America in each and every single way. Economically they are greedy selfish petulant children They are racist, they are cold hear-ted and cruel. They are sick and twisted sexually, they are demented socially and are an overall parasitic cancer on people of color.

They experienced such psychological difficulty when Obama was elected, such fear that Brown folks were going to take away all of the privileges that Whites are afforded that in desperation they elected a White Supremacist who hates Brown and poor people to such a degree that he can’t even fake his contempt like Democrats do.

Separating children from their parents at the border is just the American way. George Washington did it, separating Native children from their parents and putting them in boarding schools, Japanese Interment Camps, Chinese Exclusion Laws, forced sterilization, abortions directed and aimed at women at color and hidden under the guise as “family planning”. That’s another thing devils are good at. Word play. Reagan used to talk about “States Rights” which is southern code for “Segregation Policies”.Republicans embraced this type of speech and parroted whatever was said. Lee Atwater was the devil who made up this “Southern Strategy” and once he discovered he was dying he repented and found God. A bit to casually and coincidental for my blood.

People are fleeing worn torn countries seeking asylum here in the United States. Problematic is that the US. Is the one causing and is the main reason for the unrest in Central and South America. When the people show up here what is the result? Separating the children from their parents which every pediatrician the world over says will cause a life time of trauma but what do Republicans and Trumpets say? They say “Fuck ‘em they are illegals”

Something is wrong with them spiritually. Something is missing, there is a piece of them that is gone from their spirit. They are not posessed in the classic sense of posession like some weird foreign entity has taken over them, no. They are evil not to the bone but to their very spirit they are evil, wicked bastards. Bastards in terms of their father is the God damned devil and no one else. If you are a Republican fuck you to the bone. Die in a fire you piece of shit.