Depression is:

DEPRESSION IS:

I sat on the bench watching the waves. My doctor said this vacation I should spend near water so Lake Michigan here I come.

When you have depression nothing matters. You can’t bring you self to take a shower some days let alone interact with people. I hate people. They will let you down, they will turn on you, they will forget about you, they will treat you as an afterthought, they will lie and they will leave.

It’s kinda cold out so hardly anyone is on the beach or here on the pier. I am wearing a light zip up sweatshirt from EMU and as I look around I am under dressed but I don’t get hot like other people.

I flip my phone over and over in my hand and stop to look at her messenger response. It’s non-committal in it’s entirety and that makes me mad as in insane.

I sit and notice that it is kinda cold out here on the lake in late September. Wind is blowing my hair every which a way and I didn’t bring a hair tie of course. To the other people I must look crazy just sitting here and not moving, reading, drawing or anything.

I can do all those things but depression can and will rob you of the want to do anything.

I’m often asked if I am suicidal and the answer is no, I don’t want to kill myself I just don't want to be here anymore. Wonder if normal people feel that way? I compare being depressed as to having a broken heart and not knowing why. Everything looses it’s appeal. I watch television but it is just background. I sleep my days away as if I accumulate enough days asleep when I wake it will be a better day. The dreams I have of dying make me smile when I wake up.

Not good.

Stomach is angry because of the anxiety disorder and that makes me mad. I hate panic attacks. I pace and sweat and sometimes cry, only if asked a question or if I have to reply, I shake and my thoughts race. Sometimes they last an hour and I can throw anything at them and nothing will knock me out to make them stop.

I’m getting old and I don’t want too. I don’t want to be seventy and on my own, I don’t want to live in a care home where I will just do more of what I do on a daily basis. Watch TV and wait for a meal. I eat once a day and that is plenty.

The thing that pisses me off the most about having depression is the constant exhaustion. I’m just so fucking tired I can’t believe it. I suffer. I really do and I can’t talk about it because someone always has the bright fucking idea to “snap out of it”, “Pray more”, “Change you r thoughts”, “Meditate” or any number of stupid shit . People can be so unaware of a situation.

This woman once said to me, “Life is a buffet! Take what you want and if it’s not good, come back and get something else.” If life is a fucking buffet I’m on a hunger strike. I’m going hungry and have been.

Depression is suicidal thoughts running thru your head that you will never act on until it’s time to act. I saw a motivational video of a man who survived a jump from the golden gate bridge and to be honest I was not inspired at all.

Depression is not giving a fuck at all and knowing it is all a fruitless endeavor. All of it.