Tonglen

     I have had and have a broken heart. Not all of my broken hearts are by my design but by the actions of others of which I am well aware I have zero control over. Reminds me of a reading of Pema Chodron's that God helped me stumble across just a few days ago when a depressive episode was raging. I kept escape sleeping and during one of the few times, I was awake that day I came across it.

“There comes a time when the bubble of ego is popped and you can’t get the ground back for an extended period of time. Those times, when you absolutely cannot get it back together, are the most rich and powerful times in our lives.” ~ Pema Chodron

Deep huh? I thought so too. In the middle of feeling heartbroken, lost, confused, lonely and fearful beats the heart of sadness. Genuine sadness and not just the chemical imbalance kind but sadness that everyone who is not a sociopath can relate to.

It's a Buddhist teaching that the noble heart can be buried under a confluence of negative emotions for decades but once it is touched and allowed to be embraced and therefore shown to the world no matter how much we commit ourselves to unkindness, greed or selfishness it comes out unscathed by years of abuse the bodhicitta [wakeful human nature] cannot be lost. It is our real human nature and it is here within us our entire lives.

My kola always says the longest journey is the 12 inches from your head to your heart.

In my experience, we fool ourselves by trying to protect ourselves from suffering. We think it is being kind to ourselves. Regrettably, that is not the truth. Doing that makes us more fearful, more hardened and it alienates us even more. It makes us more alienated from each other. This thinking makes us believe in the separateness of God and others. We build a wall around us that we say is to keep us safe but it becomes a prison. Inside this prison, we are kept company by personal hopes and fears and to caring for only those that we choose to love. Fuck the strangers, we just focus on our 'peeps' and do not identify with others as being as human as we are. Having the same foibles and issues we have.

Like Pema points out, when we close ourselves off from others in order to not experience discomfort we suffer. Often suffering more than those we close ourselves off from. Here is where boundaries are important. Don't become a doormat where others, who don't know better or worse yet DO know better attempt to take advantage of our good nature.

The Dalai Lama describes two kinds of selfish people—the wise and the unwise. Unwise selfish people only think of themselves—and the result is confusion and pain. Wise selfish people know that the best thing they can do for themselves is to be there for others. As a result, they experience joy.

Damn what a lesson to learn. I seem to be the hardest headed dude in the known world because I only have learned these things the hard way. I remind myself on the daily that we are here to be of service we are not here to be served. So in my morning prayers, I ask God to make me of service to better do his will and be able to bear witness to his power and love. 

The instructions of Tonglen are unsurprisingly simple. I did not use the word easy I used the word simple. Two very different things. ( I have defineTonglen as a practice of making space. Opening the atmosphere of our lives so that people can be relaxed and free around us. None of this spooky shit of, "That (Medicine man, Shaman, Priest, Monk, etc can look right thru you." That creates unease and people choose to stay away from that person for fear of them seeing something that is embarrassing or something private that they are not willing to share at that moment. Plus it plays into the spookism of God so fuck that noise.) When we practice and remember Tonglen's instruction is a practice of creating space. When we encounter any form of suffering in others Tonglen's instruction is to breathe it in with a wish that everyone can be free from pain. Conversely, when we encounter happiness we breathe it out sending it out with a wish that everyone could fell such joy.

She further writes:

It is a practice that allows people to feel less burdened and less cramped, a practice that shows us how to love without conditions.) sending and receiving, is designed to awaken the bodhicitta. To put us in touch with a genuine noble heart. It is a practice of taking in pain and sending out pleasure, and therefore completely turns around our well-established habit of doing just the opposite.

We all need someone to encourage us to not belittle what we feel. To be unashamed of any love we feel and to be unafraid of pain as those two things can teach us the best lessons of ourselves.

"Nuff said.

What a miracle you are

     I have a niece who is pregnant and she has the cutest baby bump. Every pregnant woman has the cutest baby bump. Actual life is gestating in there and to my little mind that is so amazing and miraculous, it amazes me. I don't have any kids of my own but I am blessed beyond measure as to how many I am uncle to. The people who bless me by calling me uncle are the most fantastic, genius level individuals you could ever meet.
     Maybe you don't know this or maybe you have never taken the time to think about it. Everything about you – The color of your eyes and hair, height, shoe size, weight….all of that matter and scientific miracles – was at one time encoded into a small dot, too tiny for the human eye to see. One sperm, a single sperm out of hundreds and millions of sperm, made its way to an egg. With that action, your immortal soul in this tiny dot, the physical plane became manifest, immortal and splendor in form. Sit back and think of how powerful you are, how exorbitant, and attention blowing this life is? Now, …tell me again about your problems, simple rudimentary issues that are unworthy to be spoken by the voice of God. If that little dot carried the consciousness and coding for your physical self. Then it carried the power and limitlessness of your spiritual self. How are you gonna play small, mediocre, and afraid? If you did nothing for the rest of your life, you’ve already exhibited greatness, so I ask, why don’t you finish strong? Maybe I think of this because I am closer to the end than I am the beginning. Get grateful, embrace abundance, bring positive energy, it takes the simple changing of the mind to change your frequency. When YOU change your energy then the people and animals around you change theirs. I've seen it and so have you if you paused and paid attention.

How I can be a man of God.

WHO DECIDES HOW A MAN OF GOD ACTS?

     So the other day on Twitter I pointed out how Obama jailed Mexicans and South Americans at the border, put them in cages, took us from two wars to SEVEN, used the military for regime change in Lybia, bombed Syria so much the armed forces actually ran out of bombs, kicked people out of their homes and made Wall Street wealthier and gave in to Republicans on a single-payer option for healthcare. He set the precedent for everything Trump is doing. So she called me a shit head and a Nazi. I, in turn, pointed out how like your typical Liberal and Conservative when they can't refute your points with truth or logic they fall back on name calling. I told her I can do the same. I called her a nickel trick and a dumbass. 

     I pray every day. I talk about God as much as anyone wants to hear me. I have a deep personal faith in him to help me. That, however, does not make the fact that I will stick up for myself and I will continue to get in the grill of the right wing, the fascists, the hatemongers, and all others on the right and left who have policy ideas that are harmful to people.

     If you lie and someone and someone point it out then that is the risk you take for being a liar. If like Steven Crowder, you get pointed out for being a bigoted homophobe with video evidence and you lose your monetization on YouTube then that is the price you pay. If like Ben Shapiro you get confronted for your idiotic remarks with written proof you have a price to pay. If like Dave Rubin you present yourself as part of the Intellectual Dark Web, which is just a pack of rabid racist alt-right numbskulls using large words to justify their hatred of Muslims and immigrants, but you are in fact a bad political actor and in fact a very dumb person then there is a price to be paid. I can and will call you out and I will remain a man of God while doing so.

     I can call you a hypocrite for saying you support families while supporting Trump because while his foreign porn model bride was having his child he was having sex with Stormy Daniels a porn star and used campaign money to pay her to keep quiet. 

     Where do you get the authority to point out what is and is not the "Indian Way"? There is no consensus on what is "The Indian Way" trust me. I've been involved in the Indian community as a proud Indian who is an outsider by choice and know damn well there is not a consensus amongst Indians as to what "The Way" is. Besides, where do you, who think you speak for any group be they Indian, Latino, Muslim or whatever, get the moral authority to dictate how someone should act?
     Where do you get the audacity to tell someone how they should act? If the way that you follow dictates no violence and you support capital punishment then you're a hypocrite. If you call yourself a Christain and support capital punishment then you're a hypocrite. Your God was a victim of capital punishment so what makes you think he would support it? See, I don't have any belief in Jesus but I do believe no one has the right to take another person's life unless their life is in danger. Buddhists and Jainists are very anti-violence. In fact, some members of the Jain faith wear cloths over their face so they don't accidentally swallow a bug. That's them. Not me. They are no more "Godly" than I am. Neither is the Dali Lama and if you believe so I suggest you get a bigger God. I don't like violence and think it is just not a path towards peace I however and not a pacifist. Touch me or one of mine and I will try to take your jaw from your face. Still, a man of God and you don't get a say in whether I am or not.
     See my relationship with The Creator of all natural things is personal. It's not up for discussion or debate. It's not open to interpretation by anyone but me. It is something that for the past thirty-three years I have worked to refine. I ask others what they believe and I take some and apply it, meditation for example, and I shit can the majority of it, the 'miracles' of the bible for instance. My God and therefore MY BUSINESS. I like going to a ceremony but I don't have to go to a ceremony. That business I can take care of by getting quiet and seeking answers from my God as I understand him.
     Talk shit about Latino's, Blacks, homosexuals, the poor or the mentally disabled then expect me to get as rock bottom and ghetto as I can get. Still a man of God. If I think you suffer from 'Angry White Man Syndrome" I will point it out and I will use your own words against you. THAT is pretty Godly. Not sure if it's "The Indian Way" but it is this Indian's way.
     Learn to deal.
     'Nuff said.

What I meant to say

THE EULOGY I WISH I COULD HAVE GIVEN

I sadly had to go to the funeral of my oldest friends and a very important person in my life. I tried to speak at his funeral but just couldn't do it. I was too choked up. So, like it is always easier I will write out what I wanted to say.

     I met Tyrone the second day of kindergarten because that first day he and I were both very busy

crying because we wanted to go home. That second day we had a snack together and began a friendship that lasted until May 9th, 2019 but spiritually will last forever.

     We became friends so quickly because Tyrone had a very pronounced overbite and I was Brown with no specificity and was not a traditional Christian. We didn't or couldn't fit in anywhere. The Black kids always made jokes about Tyrone's looks, so we ignored everyone and just hung with each other. This was the 70's and we cut our hands and clasped them together as blood brothers. We rode the bus together and talked and joked. We ate lunch and joked. We had recess and joked. Weekends were spent watching cartoons and cracking jokes.

     Each year for 11 straight years we would walk together to the school door and hug and then wish each other good luck. All of my life's firsts we shared with each other.

     We had a friend whom we called "Chaka" who was right by our side until 1982 when he moved to Minneapolis. It then was just Tyrone and I. Two unpopular misfits who only truly fit with each other. 

     When I was in fourth grade this little punk ass White boy said something about my mother being a wetback and we made the plan to fight after class. We did fight, he started to get the best of me and piot pf nowhere came this big heavy Black fist BAM right upside that boy's head. He got knocked goofy from the punch and I punched him in his stomach and crotch. I never said I fought fair. 

     We both flunked a class at the same time because we were too busy cutting up to pay attention. He was there when I got my first girlfriend and subsequently my first of many heartbreaks. When he got his girlfriend pregnant and she had Tylisha I swear I never saw a man in such love. He adored that baby. Wore me out with that baby. "She can hold her head up", "She can roll over", "She can stand if she holds something", "She said her first word", "She makes full sentences" just got me tired of that baby. No offense of course but he went on and on about that baby more than he did about The Steelers or U of M football. For those that knew him this was quite a feat.

     He once told me he was going to be a deacon at his church. I told him if that preacher, Rev. Williams, ever asked me about him I said, "I'm not gonna lie to a preacher so you best hope he doesn't ask me because he will never let you back in the church unless you wearing sackcloth and ashes."

     He was diagnosed with cancer and didn't tell me until December of 2018 and when it metastasized to his lungs he never told me. I couldn't figure out why until I talked to his second mother/sister Mary and she said he didn't want pity and didn't want me to stress myself to an ulcer.

     He was suffering and knew he was going to die and was still watching my back. Still cared and was conscious of others. That was him. Simply a good, good man. A man that I love and will love until my day comes to go home. He touched too many people's lives and his life will echo into the future in a positive way. As long as I live I will love and miss my brother/friend.

Love is the REVOLUTION

We men are a funny lot. We have not learned how to speak in terms of our emotions. If the emotions are joking, anger, boisterousness, and excited. We can gather to watch the fight or the game and get as loud and obnoxious as we wish and it is acceptable. What happens when we express love? Shit gets uncomfortable. Most men will not go for it or accept it. It's a good way to be called a fag if you express love, compassion or empathy. These are looked at as weak and even feminine.
If you're an activist of some kind you can express love but it has to be presented in a tough manner which is actually the opposite of love. Love is gentle, compassionate and sympathetic. Love identifies with another person in an empathetic way. Not sympathy which is just a cursory identification of the issue but empathy is expressing that you know the feeling and can relate.
Love and all of its divine expressions are revolutionary. In today's highly divided society that is based in fear, love is the only antidote to fear. Faith takes the place of doubt. Love takes the place of fear.

Mood right now. Hurting

"When We're Dancing Close And Slow"

When we're dancing close and slow
I never want to let you go, no, no
I feel your warm embrace
The softness of your face
Tell me, baby, are we here alone?
When we're kissing long and hard
I can almost taste the thoughts within your mind
Sex-related fantasy is all that my mind can see
Baby, that's honestly the way I feel

When we're dancing close and slow
I'm not afraid to let my feelings show
I want to come inside of you
I want to hold you when we're through
Can't you feel my love touching you?

Depression is:

DEPRESSION IS:

I sat on the bench watching the waves. My doctor said this vacation I should spend near water so Lake Michigan here I come.

When you have depression nothing matters. You can’t bring you self to take a shower some days let alone interact with people. I hate people. They will let you down, they will turn on you, they will forget about you, they will treat you as an afterthought, they will lie and they will leave.

It’s kinda cold out so hardly anyone is on the beach or here on the pier. I am wearing a light zip up sweatshirt from EMU and as I look around I am under dressed but I don’t get hot like other people.

I flip my phone over and over in my hand and stop to look at her messenger response. It’s non-committal in it’s entirety and that makes me mad as in insane.

I sit and notice that it is kinda cold out here on the lake in late September. Wind is blowing my hair every which a way and I didn’t bring a hair tie of course. To the other people I must look crazy just sitting here and not moving, reading, drawing or anything.

I can do all those things but depression can and will rob you of the want to do anything.

I’m often asked if I am suicidal and the answer is no, I don’t want to kill myself I just don't want to be here anymore. Wonder if normal people feel that way? I compare being depressed as to having a broken heart and not knowing why. Everything looses it’s appeal. I watch television but it is just background. I sleep my days away as if I accumulate enough days asleep when I wake it will be a better day. The dreams I have of dying make me smile when I wake up.

Not good.

Stomach is angry because of the anxiety disorder and that makes me mad. I hate panic attacks. I pace and sweat and sometimes cry, only if asked a question or if I have to reply, I shake and my thoughts race. Sometimes they last an hour and I can throw anything at them and nothing will knock me out to make them stop.

I’m getting old and I don’t want too. I don’t want to be seventy and on my own, I don’t want to live in a care home where I will just do more of what I do on a daily basis. Watch TV and wait for a meal. I eat once a day and that is plenty.

The thing that pisses me off the most about having depression is the constant exhaustion. I’m just so fucking tired I can’t believe it. I suffer. I really do and I can’t talk about it because someone always has the bright fucking idea to “snap out of it”, “Pray more”, “Change you r thoughts”, “Meditate” or any number of stupid shit . People can be so unaware of a situation.

This woman once said to me, “Life is a buffet! Take what you want and if it’s not good, come back and get something else.” If life is a fucking buffet I’m on a hunger strike. I’m going hungry and have been.

Depression is suicidal thoughts running thru your head that you will never act on until it’s time to act. I saw a motivational video of a man who survived a jump from the golden gate bridge and to be honest I was not inspired at all.

Depression is not giving a fuck at all and knowing it is all a fruitless endeavor. All of it.

Hell is empty because the devils vote republican

Hell is empty and all the devils are here

I have a friend, God bless his little heart, he is a major component of compassion and peace. He works with gangs and homeless and the non-spoken members of society. He doesn’t believe in evil people. He thinks people are misguided. He thinks that they make choices based in either fear or love.

It’s a simple, New Age philosophy made to explain complex humans. It of course doesn’t take into consideration the complexity of human emotions, social life, economic circumstances and just plain old thought processes.

I believe in evil. I have seen it, participated in it and had it thrust on me. I’m not under the impression that a devil is like the biblical devil. Red with horns and a pitchfork or like that chick on the exorcist.

Republicans are the devil. Not collectively but individual devils. They are bad for America in each and every single way. Economically they are greedy selfish petulant children They are racist, they are cold hear-ted and cruel. They are sick and twisted sexually, they are demented socially and are an overall parasitic cancer on people of color.

They experienced such psychological difficulty when Obama was elected, such fear that Brown folks were going to take away all of the privileges that Whites are afforded that in desperation they elected a White Supremacist who hates Brown and poor people to such a degree that he can’t even fake his contempt like Democrats do.

Separating children from their parents at the border is just the American way. George Washington did it, separating Native children from their parents and putting them in boarding schools, Japanese Interment Camps, Chinese Exclusion Laws, forced sterilization, abortions directed and aimed at women at color and hidden under the guise as “family planning”. That’s another thing devils are good at. Word play. Reagan used to talk about “States Rights” which is southern code for “Segregation Policies”.Republicans embraced this type of speech and parroted whatever was said. Lee Atwater was the devil who made up this “Southern Strategy” and once he discovered he was dying he repented and found God. A bit to casually and coincidental for my blood.

People are fleeing worn torn countries seeking asylum here in the United States. Problematic is that the US. Is the one causing and is the main reason for the unrest in Central and South America. When the people show up here what is the result? Separating the children from their parents which every pediatrician the world over says will cause a life time of trauma but what do Republicans and Trumpets say? They say “Fuck ‘em they are illegals”

Something is wrong with them spiritually. Something is missing, there is a piece of them that is gone from their spirit. They are not posessed in the classic sense of posession like some weird foreign entity has taken over them, no. They are evil not to the bone but to their very spirit they are evil, wicked bastards. Bastards in terms of their father is the God damned devil and no one else. If you are a Republican fuck you to the bone. Die in a fire you piece of shit.

Barr goes to far

 Roseanne Barr is not funny. 

Roseanne tweeted that Valarie Jarrett, a Obama staffer, 

was “Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes = VJ”  The next day her rebooted show on ABC

was shit canned. 

The president of ABC is a Black woman like Valarie Jarrett, which is to say 

she is more educated and classy than every single Republican and or Trump voter combined.
I’ve never thought she was funny. Her show the first time around wasn’t funny, her 

stand up wasn’t funny, her exploits weren’t funny, pretty much everything she did was not 

funny. Here’s the thing about Roseanne, she was born and raised in Utah as a Jew, which had 

to be insane, and she was poor. Two strikes out the door but she is White so she had that to 

fall back on which doesn’t engender much sympathy from me.
The picture above was her attempt at humor. She claims the cookies are not 

Jews but Palestanians. How that makes it better is beyond my thinking. 
Roseanne is a feckless, feeble minded, trailer park trash, bottom feeding Trump supporter. 

That’s really what she is. She’s typical of a Trump supporter. They had such psychological 

difficulty with a Black man, even though they would constantly point out he had a White mama,

 being in a position of power in this nation. Personal opinion of why they fixated on his 

mother is because being a cuck to an actual African is secretly one of many right wingers 

fantasy. I have no proof of that it’s just my opinion. Here is what is not my 

opinion: America has had a race problem since Columbus invaded the Arawak people. 

It’s not gotten better, just because you can fuck them doesn’t make it better, it’s gotten

 worse. The Tea Party, the Republicans, the evangelicals, the conservatives and all, 

EVERY SINGLE ONE, of the right wing are just bigots. The proof is that if there are not then 

why when shit like this or when Trump talks about “Mexicans coming here dealing drugs” 

and killing and taking jobs, or when he ignore Puerto Rico or when his supporters want 

to “Make America White Again” why is there no outrage? Where are the right wing nuts speaking 

out?
It caused great psychological difficulty when Obama was elected to White men which in turn 

made White women fearful which in turn made the rise of the right, the racists, a reality and in turn is destroying our nation. Roseanne, like any Kardashian, like any KKK member, like any Republican is a cancer in our society and I just have a hard time believeing there are more of them than there are of real people who don’t buy the ticket that the bigots sell.
Of course I could be wrong I just doubt it.

White terrorism is the rule and not the exception

Jizzmonkey Trump is notorious for connecting acts of violence to race and faith, often blaming Muslims and people of color whenever tragedy plays out across the world. That default response, however, tripped up both the president and other elected officials this week, after a 64-year-old white male U.S. citizen allegedly opened fire on a crowded concert in Las Vegas, Nevada late Sunday evening, killing at least 59 people injuring more than 500.

The incident horrified much of the country and left the people of Las Vegas grieving and searching for answers. Much of the coverage following the tragedy centered on the identity of the alleged attacker, Stephen Paddock, with many commentators remarking on his supposedly unique profile: a quiet, lone white man whose family and friends were shocked by his actions. Paddock, they claimed, simply didn’t fit the profile of an alleged mass murderer.

In reality, what happened in Las Vegas is actually the norm in the United States — white men are disproportionately responsible for mass shootings and wide-scale acts of violence.

According to Mother Jones, approximately 54 percent of mass-shootings since 1982 have been carried out by white men. (Men more generally are responsible for virtually all mass shootings, as well as 90 percent of murders.)  While Paddock’s age is unusual — other shooters are on average several decades younger — his race and other factors fit the profile to a T.

Little is currently known about Paddock’s motive, but other white male mass shooters have shared various underlying characteristics, one of which, Newsweek notes, is a sense of entitlement — many have lost jobs, failed to complete school, faced rejection by partners, or seen other elements of their lives spiral out of control. That resulting feeling of failure (along with the assumption that such failure is undeserved and the fault of others) has been reported as a motivating factor in brutal rampages like the massacre that played out in Las Vegas.

A 2013 study at the University of Washington noted:

Among many mass killers, the triple privileges of white heterosexual masculinity which make subsequent life course losses more unexpected and thus more painfully shameful ultimately buckle under the failures of downward mobility and result in a final cumulative act of violence to stave off subordinated masculinity.

Political rhetoric and public perceptions, however, do not accurately reflect this reality. If anything, more attention has been paid to all the wrong parties: Trump’s travel ban, for instance, which initially targeted refugees and seven Muslim-majority countries, now centers on an even larger, extended group of nations — most of which are still majority-Muslim.

Safety has been key among the justifications for the policy. “We will never forget the lessons of 9/11,” Trump said in January, speaking about the ban. “This is not about religion. This is about terror and keeping our country safe.”

The president did not cite any specific statistics to support his claim.

Over the past three years, the president has repeatedly linked Islam and violence, oftentimes without any confirmation. In December, Trump blamed “Islamic terrorists” for attacks in Germany and Turkey before information became widely known; months later, in September, a London subway bombing prompted the president to push his travel ban after labeling the individual responsible a “loser terrorist.”

“Another attack in London by a loser terrorist. These are sick and demented people who were in the sights of Scotland Yard. Must be proactive!” Trump tweeted. “The travel ban into the United States should be far larger, tougher and more specific-but stupidly, that would not be politically correct!”

15 Sep

Donald J. Trump 

 ✔@realDonaldTrump

Another attack in London by a loser terrorist.These are sick and demented people who were in the sights of Scotland Yard. Must be proactive!

 Follow

Donald J. Trump 

✔@realDonaldTrump

The travel ban into the United States should be far larger, tougher and more specific-but stupidly, that would not be politically correct!

6:54 AM - Sep 15, 2017

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That pattern offered a study in contrasts on Monday, when Trump extended his condolences to the Las Vegas shooting victims. “My warmest condolences and sympathies to the victims and families of the terrible Las Vegas shooting,” he tweeted. “God bless you!”

The president did not speculate about the alleged shooter’s race or religious motivations.

 Follow

Donald J. Trump 

✔@realDonaldTrump

My warmest condolences and sympathies to the victims and families of the terrible Las Vegas shooting. God bless you!

7:11 AM - Oct 2, 2017

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Trump isn’t alone is his willingness to ignore the white male suspect pattern. According to a study published in March, media outlets traditionally under-cover attacks by non-Muslims. When Muslims are responsible for violence, however, coverage increases by 449 percent.

“When attacks are perpetrated by a Muslim, they receive drastically more coverage,” Erin Kearns, the lead author of the study, said in June. Kearns told ThinkProgress that the discrepancy is actually warping how U.S. audiences perceive those who commit mass-atrocities.

“Across every model that we looked at, we’re still finding that Muslim perpetrators have at least 200 percent increase in coverage,” she said at the time.

Language is also key in how coverage unfolds. While Muslim perpetrators of color are virtually always labeled “terrorists,” white male attackers are typically referred to as “lone wolves” — or, men experiencing isolated cases of rage unrelated to their wider identities. That means that many particularly violent instances — including Dylann Roof’s June 2015 murder of nine parishioners at a historically black church in Charleston, South Carolina; Wade Michael Page’s August 2012 slaughter of six people at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, Wisconsin; and Paddock’s deadly rampage in Las Vegas — have largely been viewed as stand-alone tragedies rather than indicative of a larger problem.

“These are not terrorists. You know what a terrorist is,” humorist Alexandra Petri wrote in a satirical piece following the Las Vegas massacre. “A Terrorist must be Something Else, or the people who apply labels to such things would have to look in the mirror every day and see a potential terrorist. They would have to admit that what they are afraid of is not the same as terrorism. They would have to admit that the horrible violence that happened in Las Vegas is not an aberration. And then — No. The shooter was alone. He was a fluke. He was a wolf.”

Humor aside, Petri’s column highlights the bigger issue: between 2011 and 2015, 89 attacks were committed by individuals in the United States, according to Kearns’ study. Only 12.4 percent of those attacks were carried out by Muslims.

By contrast, white men — regardless of faith — have carried out more than half of all mass shootings in the United States over the past few decades. And while masculinity is an overwhelming factor in incidents of violence more generally, whiteness is one that has gone particularly unacknowledged.

“There’s a feeling of entitlement that white men have that black men don’t,” Northeastern University professor James Alan Fox told the Washington Post in 2012. “They often complain that their job was taken by blacks or Mexicans or Jews. They feel that a well-paid job is their birthright. It’s a blow to their psyche when they lose that.”

In addition to being a largely white male phenomenon, mass shootings are also a largely American one. According to FiveThirtyEight, between 1966 and 2012, there have been 90 mass shootings in the United States — more than the next four countries combined.

Mass violence is always a tragedy, regardless of perpetrator. But without acknowledging the real root of the problem and the underlying patterns that so often go ignored, it’s more than likely those devastating trends will continue unabated.

Full Disclosure Part ONE

     What good is a blog and a last name of Trusty if I cannot be totally honest? I suffer from Major depressive disorder, Anxiety disorder and Agoraphobia. I have the Agoraphobia because of the Major Depression. I go thru phases where I have no energy and do not want to leave the house. The anxiety kicks in and leaving the house and being around people just seems to be such a heavy endeavor that I cannot just put myself thru. Unlike some agoraphobics there are a couple of differences I have going on with me. One, I know what a phobia is. I understand it as more than it's mere definition which according to Webster's is:

Noun
noun: phobia; plural noun: phobias
an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.
"he had a phobia about being under water"
synonyms: fear, irrational fear, obsessive fear, dread, horror, terror, hatred, loathing, detestation, aversion, antipathy, revulsion; complex, neurosis; informalthing, hang-up
"fear of spiders is just one of his many phobias"

    I put in bold the one's that I relate to the best. Irrational fear. I, unlike the majority of agoraphobics, have a fear that I will have to hurt someone and will end up in jail or being sued because I fucked someone up physically. I get anxious that someone will say and or do something to someone I love or even me and I will have to hurt them or maybe, worst case, kill them. I can think about it and actually get melancholy about having to hire a lawyer, pay bail, get processed and all of it.
   
     The actual being outdoors does not bother me. People bother me. When I see those videos of racists going off and yelling about Trump and berating Latino's for having the audacity to exist in this nation it all at once infuriates me and then it throws me into a panic. I know it is irrational but for some reason I am the one that most assholes want to test. I am perceived as being an alpha and in order to get my illusion spot I must be taken down. I worked at Girl Scouts with this bitch named Priscilla and she used me as a scapegoat and would often berate and emasculate me as often as she could. She didn't like men and I am 100% male. I don't have a feminine bone in my body, I think like a man and act that way and she couldn't stand it. I kick myself in the ass because I let, I allowed, my depression to get so out of control that it affected my work, my work rate, the way I perceived my job and everything and I handed this bitch the excuse to fire me on a silver platter. It was not until I was fired that I sought out help and ended up in therapy where I was officially diagnosed. I have paperwork that proves I am crazy so that should relieve all doubt.

     Depression to me is like dying very slowly. I am clinically depressed. Right now. I really am and it is all encompassing. I'm not sad. Sad would be a fucking improvement. I have the real deal where it just takes over. I have also found that depression is so misunderstood as to be a farce of itself. Feeling sad is something that you know will eventually go away and you will bounce back. But what if you don’t bounce back? What if your feelings of sadness linger, are excessive, or interfere with your work, sleep, or recreation? What if you’re feeling fatigue or worthlessness, or experiencing weight changes along with your sadness? That is major depression.

     Also known as clinical depression, major depressive disorder, or unipolar depression, major depression is a medical condition that goes beyond life’s ordinary ups and downs. Almost 18.8 million American adults experience depression each year, and women are nearly twice as likely as men to develop major depression. People with depression cannot simply “pull themselves together” and get better. Treatment with counseling, medication, or both is key to recovery. I am trying and God knows I feel like surrendering and giving up but I have made a promise to my wife and my kola to not do anything stupid.

     Here are the signs:

• Depressed mood, sadness, or an “empty” feeling, or appearing sad or tearful to others
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you once enjoyed
• Significant weight loss when not dieting, or significant weight gain (for example, more than 5% of body weight in a month)
• Inability to sleep or excessive sleeping
• Restlessness or irritation (irritable mood may be a symptom in children or adolescents too), or feelings of “dragging”
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness, or excessive or inappropriate guilt
• Difficulty thinking or concentrating, or indecisiveness
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or specific plan for committing suicide