Full Disclosure Part ONE

     What good is a blog and a last name of Trusty if I cannot be totally honest? I suffer from Major depressive disorder, Anxiety disorder and Agoraphobia. I have the Agoraphobia because of the Major Depression. I go thru phases where I have no energy and do not want to leave the house. The anxiety kicks in and leaving the house and being around people just seems to be such a heavy endeavor that I cannot just put myself thru. Unlike some agoraphobics there are a couple of differences I have going on with me. One, I know what a phobia is. I understand it as more than it's mere definition which according to Webster's is:

Noun
noun: phobia; plural noun: phobias
an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.
"he had a phobia about being under water"
synonyms: fear, irrational fear, obsessive fear, dread, horror, terror, hatred, loathing, detestation, aversion, antipathy, revulsion; complex, neurosis; informalthing, hang-up
"fear of spiders is just one of his many phobias"

    I put in bold the one's that I relate to the best. Irrational fear. I, unlike the majority of agoraphobics, have a fear that I will have to hurt someone and will end up in jail or being sued because I fucked someone up physically. I get anxious that someone will say and or do something to someone I love or even me and I will have to hurt them or maybe, worst case, kill them. I can think about it and actually get melancholy about having to hire a lawyer, pay bail, get processed and all of it.
   
     The actual being outdoors does not bother me. People bother me. When I see those videos of racists going off and yelling about Trump and berating Latino's for having the audacity to exist in this nation it all at once infuriates me and then it throws me into a panic. I know it is irrational but for some reason I am the one that most assholes want to test. I am perceived as being an alpha and in order to get my illusion spot I must be taken down. I worked at Girl Scouts with this bitch named Priscilla and she used me as a scapegoat and would often berate and emasculate me as often as she could. She didn't like men and I am 100% male. I don't have a feminine bone in my body, I think like a man and act that way and she couldn't stand it. I kick myself in the ass because I let, I allowed, my depression to get so out of control that it affected my work, my work rate, the way I perceived my job and everything and I handed this bitch the excuse to fire me on a silver platter. It was not until I was fired that I sought out help and ended up in therapy where I was officially diagnosed. I have paperwork that proves I am crazy so that should relieve all doubt.

     Depression to me is like dying very slowly. I am clinically depressed. Right now. I really am and it is all encompassing. I'm not sad. Sad would be a fucking improvement. I have the real deal where it just takes over. I have also found that depression is so misunderstood as to be a farce of itself. Feeling sad is something that you know will eventually go away and you will bounce back. But what if you don’t bounce back? What if your feelings of sadness linger, are excessive, or interfere with your work, sleep, or recreation? What if you’re feeling fatigue or worthlessness, or experiencing weight changes along with your sadness? That is major depression.

     Also known as clinical depression, major depressive disorder, or unipolar depression, major depression is a medical condition that goes beyond life’s ordinary ups and downs. Almost 18.8 million American adults experience depression each year, and women are nearly twice as likely as men to develop major depression. People with depression cannot simply “pull themselves together” and get better. Treatment with counseling, medication, or both is key to recovery. I am trying and God knows I feel like surrendering and giving up but I have made a promise to my wife and my kola to not do anything stupid.

     Here are the signs:

• Depressed mood, sadness, or an “empty” feeling, or appearing sad or tearful to others
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you once enjoyed
• Significant weight loss when not dieting, or significant weight gain (for example, more than 5% of body weight in a month)
• Inability to sleep or excessive sleeping
• Restlessness or irritation (irritable mood may be a symptom in children or adolescents too), or feelings of “dragging”
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness, or excessive or inappropriate guilt
• Difficulty thinking or concentrating, or indecisiveness
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or specific plan for committing suicide

     

Adventures in douchebaggery (Story #1)

     The Chinese Buffet Incident

     Full disclosure. I am not a Christian. I am not baptized, I am not a fan of any of the sons of Abraham and I am on the fence as to wether or not Jesus even existed. I know all about how the "disciples" did not write any of the books of the bible and they were written over 30 years after Jesus 'death' and yadda yadda bing. ALL that stuff. I write that because it is important to the story I am going to tell.

     My wife had gone away for work and was going to be gone for a week. I can cook, I can cook better than my wife, this is something she will tell you, and I do cook unless I feel like being lazy. There is a new Chinese buffet in Jackson and it has a hibachi grill which for Jackson is something new. Being a fan of Mongolian BBQ I was excited to go to this place and see what was up. 

     I walked in and it was a nice looking place, but then again it was also new. Typical Red, Black and Gold gaudy ass decorations. There are the fat Buddha's and Chinese lettering all over the walls. Big tables in the middle and booths on both sides of the wall. The place is busy but not overly busy. First thing that happened was the millennial who sat me down asked if I qualified for the senior citizen discount. I was stunned! I looked at her and told her while I was old enough to be her father I was not that fucking old and to go get my waitress. Her mouth dropped open and she scampered away to soon be replaced by a young Chinese woman with a very thick accent that I am not sure was even real. I felt like she was faking it. I have no proof but I was not convinced that she had that thick of an accent. She explained how to use the hibachi, same as Mongolian BBQ, and that drinks had free refills.

     At the front table, which was next to me in the booth, sat a man, a woman and 9 kids, NINE kids. I had a feeling that they were maybe adopted or foster because two were Black, one was Latino and the rest were White like the parents. There were three red headed stepchildren and a couple of blondes. They were not rowdy except for this one White boy who was wearing a Mario Bros t-shirt which made me think that his mother wasn't even born when that game came out which then made me think 

     Did you know Purple Rain was released 33 years ago? Feel old yet? Maybe I do qualify for that discount.

     Mario shirt was a rowdy lil fuck. He kept antagonizing this dark haired girl who sat across from him. He calling her fat, he called her ugly and said that she smelled like a salad bar. I thought that was actually funny but it wasn't funny to say to a girl. Mario Shirt kept turning his head after each insult to see if someone was watching and when he wasn't doing that he was mocking the father behind his back mimicking him talking until he got caught by the mother and told to "settle down". He was constantly talking and moving around like a puppy with worms. The Father Figure (F.F.)   clinked his glass and told everyone to "be still, bow your heads and I will lead you all in prayer" Eight kids did as told and Mario shirt mockingly put his hands together and looked up at the ceiling and then bowed his head. The father took notice and said, "settle down" and then he closed his eyes and bowed his head. 

     Now, just because I am not a fan of Hebrew fairy tales does not mean I do not respect those who do. I am a man who does pray and so when other people pray I respect that. While the father was praying and just as he got to the part where he was thanking God for allowing the family to come to a restaurant to eat when Mario Shirt loudly yells "OWIEEEEE" which is a fake "ouch" by the way he said it with a shit eating grin sliced across his face. F.F. stopped, opened his eye's and turned his head towards Mario Shirt. "Are you serious right now?" he asked incredulous with shock. Mario Shirt pointed to his nose and said something about bumping it earlier or some weak shit. I made a "humph" noise and shook my head. F.F. looked my way and said, "Sorry sir, Todd (or James, or Mike or some equally obnoxiously common name) forgets himself."

     Let me digress for a second here. I like kids. Most. A Lor No, that's not right either, I like some kids.  I know a few kids that I can tolerate pretty well. (I gotta stay honest). Kids are not like they were when I was growing up. Kids now just couldn't give a fuk. They don't respect shit. They go to people's weddings and funerals dressed in tank tops and jean shorts. They have no idea of history or current events. They are fed a constant diet of "Everyone is the same! There are no winners or losers! Here! Take this PARTICIPATION TROPHY and know in your heart that you can be and do anything!" Having been on the Earth for over 47 years (Birthday is October 26th) I can tell you that the above is capricious bullshit! Those are just a few reasons I can't stand these shitty kids and equally shitty parents, so when I have my chance to be a douche-bag and maybe get a kid in trouble I say fuck it and go for it. I admit it is some douche-bag behavior on my part but check the title of this blog. I am aware. You could say I am "woke"..........

     I turned to F.F. and put my napkin to my mouth, closed my eyes and shook my head. I let out a long slow breath and looked as woefully as I could at F.F. and said with my voice all at once, hushed and cracking, "I'm sorry sir" I started thinking how full of shit I am sometimes and continued, "It's just when I think of how I have been washed in the blood of Jesus and forgiven for all of my satanic sins and lewd behavior and has given me peace and for someone to interrupt another person addressing the messiah and lord and savior of so many in a disrespectful manner it doesn't make me angry like I used to get at everything, no I have been relieved of that, it makes me sad to think that anyone who is obviously raised in the way of the lord to be just.....just......maybe...." Then I turned my head. F.F. apologized and then informed Mario shirt that he cannot have desert tonight and for the next three nights. 

     I smiled and felt a enormous sense of satisfaction that the little shit Mario Shirt would be going without desert as the daughter could eat cake right in front of his A.D.D. ass as he watches in jealously.

     Fuck these spoiled shits. 

     

     

No Christians I know

   



     I was asked yesterday on a chat if I liked Christians. I guess I was coming off pretty harsh, he later asked me if I was an atheist. I explained that I do not have enough data to know if I like Christians because I have met so few of them in my life. My mother raised us in a cult that was heavy bible thumpers, they can quote scripture like they have a black belt. So, I know a lot about Jesus. I study on my own and what I think of him or believe about him is for another blog. It would just be a distraction here.
     I am dead serious about not knowing very many Christians like I know very few Muslims. Sure I know people who claim to be Christian but they are not Christian at all. Donnie Trump says he is a Christian and he has plenty of right wing, conservative liars that call themselves "leaders" and Reverend who swear that they are Christian and so is Trump. You can say you are a thing but that doesn't mean you are that thing. I can stand in a garage and say I am a Chevy Equinox but that doesn't make it true. If you are a Christian then you are expected to ACT Christ like. Act in the way, which was loving and firm in his stance, that Christ acted. Compassion is the one word that I think of when I think about Jesus. Trump is no Jesus. Jesus tells Christians to welcome the stranger. With Donnie turning away some 800,000 Dreamers he is directly ignoring this directive from his messiah. Donnie absolutely hates Brown people. He started his campaign on the 'threats' that immigrants, Mexicans in particular, posed to Americans. Turn on Fox and every religious leader on there that is backing Trump talks about what a good Christian he is. He and every conservative/republican do not have compassion, they care about their true God. Money. Joel Osteen made that perfectly clear.
     If you can't act lovingly to strangers then you are no Christian. If you live by fear and not faith you are not a Christian. Jesus never said "I love you" in the bible but he did so by his actions because actions do speak louder than words and for those on the right it is obvious on hoe you treat the earth, how you treat children, immigrants, women and each other. My belief system is free of dogma and is focused on justice and love with love being the most powerful force in the entire universe. That might be dogma and if it is then that's the dogma I have.
     These dreamers are Americans, they cannot be deported to a land that is not theirs. This land is theirs. If you can trace you family lineage and the majority of that lineage is not on Turtle Island then you are a immigrant and Donnie and his whole entire Luciferian family are immigrants.
      If you claim to be a Christian I suggest you read anything by Jim Wallis. Put that shit from Joel Osteen and all the other frauds that preach prosperity spirituality. THAT is the kind of crap that makes for a fake Christian. If you want to help contact your congressman and senator about passing the DREAM act.


Please take action now. 


Complicity and bigotry are not an option!