This is not what I wanted

LOVE ME 100%

“I am of the opinion that if you do not love 100 percent of who I am, off you fucking fuck.

That’s not arrogance. That’s not narcissism.

That’s the way every single person in this room should feel about themselves. Because if you do not love 100 percent of who I am, you do not love me. You love an idea of me which you have falsely fabricated in your head, and it is not my fault if I do not live up to those expectations. 

You have to love the good with the shit…

You have to love 100 percent of me, because that’s what makes me me.

If you don’t love 100 percent of who I am, there are 7.5 billion people on this planet; go out and find one of them, see if you love 100 percent of them…

- Daniel Sloss

Sloss is a Scottish comedian but when I heard these words I didn't find them funny. I found them profound. I found them hurtful because I have had people tell me they love me yet I am alone.
I'm married, almost 15 years and we love each other but there are some conditions involved. I really have to watch my behavior because the wife has broken up with me before because of depressive episodes.
A man whom I thought was as closer to me than a brother does not confide in me, does not include me and honestly our conversations, not all, are often pablum to fill time.
Depression is so devastating because like diabetes it affects things in your life that are not seen. Those of us with this disease are masters of faking it and to be honest I have been faking it most of my life but there are times when I just don't have the strength to fake it and those are the days I remain quiet and try not to indulge in any conversation. I keep my trap shut and hold it all to myself.
Not the healthiest of options but I have two people who tell me they love me and they do. Provided I can deliver when they want something. This is not the life I thought I would have and it is not what I expected. What did I expect? I'm smiling because I can't say other than I didn't want this.
Maybe, just maybe I am the one who should love me 100%. Foibles and all. Mistakes, oddities, quirks, and everything. Out of seven and half billion people, I just might be the only one. After all. I am the only one I can trust, I am the only one who can achieve what I want when I set my mind to it.
This is not what I wanted, but it is what I have.

Tonglen

     I have had and have a broken heart. Not all of my broken hearts are by my design but by the actions of others of which I am well aware I have zero control over. Reminds me of a reading of Pema Chodron's that God helped me stumble across just a few days ago when a depressive episode was raging. I kept escape sleeping and during one of the few times, I was awake that day I came across it.

“There comes a time when the bubble of ego is popped and you can’t get the ground back for an extended period of time. Those times, when you absolutely cannot get it back together, are the most rich and powerful times in our lives.” ~ Pema Chodron

Deep huh? I thought so too. In the middle of feeling heartbroken, lost, confused, lonely and fearful beats the heart of sadness. Genuine sadness and not just the chemical imbalance kind but sadness that everyone who is not a sociopath can relate to.

It's a Buddhist teaching that the noble heart can be buried under a confluence of negative emotions for decades but once it is touched and allowed to be embraced and therefore shown to the world no matter how much we commit ourselves to unkindness, greed or selfishness it comes out unscathed by years of abuse the bodhicitta [wakeful human nature] cannot be lost. It is our real human nature and it is here within us our entire lives.

My kola always says the longest journey is the 12 inches from your head to your heart.

In my experience, we fool ourselves by trying to protect ourselves from suffering. We think it is being kind to ourselves. Regrettably, that is not the truth. Doing that makes us more fearful, more hardened and it alienates us even more. It makes us more alienated from each other. This thinking makes us believe in the separateness of God and others. We build a wall around us that we say is to keep us safe but it becomes a prison. Inside this prison, we are kept company by personal hopes and fears and to caring for only those that we choose to love. Fuck the strangers, we just focus on our 'peeps' and do not identify with others as being as human as we are. Having the same foibles and issues we have.

Like Pema points out, when we close ourselves off from others in order to not experience discomfort we suffer. Often suffering more than those we close ourselves off from. Here is where boundaries are important. Don't become a doormat where others, who don't know better or worse yet DO know better attempt to take advantage of our good nature.

The Dalai Lama describes two kinds of selfish people—the wise and the unwise. Unwise selfish people only think of themselves—and the result is confusion and pain. Wise selfish people know that the best thing they can do for themselves is to be there for others. As a result, they experience joy.

Damn what a lesson to learn. I seem to be the hardest headed dude in the known world because I only have learned these things the hard way. I remind myself on the daily that we are here to be of service we are not here to be served. So in my morning prayers, I ask God to make me of service to better do his will and be able to bear witness to his power and love. 

The instructions of Tonglen are unsurprisingly simple. I did not use the word easy I used the word simple. Two very different things. ( I have defineTonglen as a practice of making space. Opening the atmosphere of our lives so that people can be relaxed and free around us. None of this spooky shit of, "That (Medicine man, Shaman, Priest, Monk, etc can look right thru you." That creates unease and people choose to stay away from that person for fear of them seeing something that is embarrassing or something private that they are not willing to share at that moment. Plus it plays into the spookism of God so fuck that noise.) When we practice and remember Tonglen's instruction is a practice of creating space. When we encounter any form of suffering in others Tonglen's instruction is to breathe it in with a wish that everyone can be free from pain. Conversely, when we encounter happiness we breathe it out sending it out with a wish that everyone could fell such joy.

She further writes:

It is a practice that allows people to feel less burdened and less cramped, a practice that shows us how to love without conditions.) sending and receiving, is designed to awaken the bodhicitta. To put us in touch with a genuine noble heart. It is a practice of taking in pain and sending out pleasure, and therefore completely turns around our well-established habit of doing just the opposite.

We all need someone to encourage us to not belittle what we feel. To be unashamed of any love we feel and to be unafraid of pain as those two things can teach us the best lessons of ourselves.

"Nuff said.

What a miracle you are

     I have a niece who is pregnant and she has the cutest baby bump. Every pregnant woman has the cutest baby bump. Actual life is gestating in there and to my little mind that is so amazing and miraculous, it amazes me. I don't have any kids of my own but I am blessed beyond measure as to how many I am uncle to. The people who bless me by calling me uncle are the most fantastic, genius level individuals you could ever meet.
     Maybe you don't know this or maybe you have never taken the time to think about it. Everything about you – The color of your eyes and hair, height, shoe size, weight….all of that matter and scientific miracles – was at one time encoded into a small dot, too tiny for the human eye to see. One sperm, a single sperm out of hundreds and millions of sperm, made its way to an egg. With that action, your immortal soul in this tiny dot, the physical plane became manifest, immortal and splendor in form. Sit back and think of how powerful you are, how exorbitant, and attention blowing this life is? Now, …tell me again about your problems, simple rudimentary issues that are unworthy to be spoken by the voice of God. If that little dot carried the consciousness and coding for your physical self. Then it carried the power and limitlessness of your spiritual self. How are you gonna play small, mediocre, and afraid? If you did nothing for the rest of your life, you’ve already exhibited greatness, so I ask, why don’t you finish strong? Maybe I think of this because I am closer to the end than I am the beginning. Get grateful, embrace abundance, bring positive energy, it takes the simple changing of the mind to change your frequency. When YOU change your energy then the people and animals around you change theirs. I've seen it and so have you if you paused and paid attention.